Black-and-white portrait of Virginia Satir, smiling, wearing large glasses
Virginia Satir

Neillsville, Wisconsin 1916  ·  Menlo Park, California 1988

The woman who taught the world that families can heal.

Virginia Satir is remembered as the Mother of Family Therapy. She was also the honorary founding chairperson of PAIRS, and the mentor whose belief that love can be learned shaped the program from its first class. This site honors her life, her ideas, her books and the communities that carry her work forward.

Watch An Evening with Virginia Satir Her role in founding PAIRS

PAIRS Foundation archive·Washington, D.C., September 1983·1 hr 28 min

Featured film

An Evening with Virginia Satir

In September 1983, Virginia Satir stood before a public audience in Washington, D.C. to launch PAIRS, the Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills. For nearly ninety minutes she did what she did best: told the truth about families with warmth and humor, demonstrated how people really talk to one another, and made the case that the skills of love can be taught.

The recording is dated and the picture is soft. The woman at the center of it is not.

Open on YouTube

Direct link: https://youtu.be/3ITT44xDLXI

Communication is to relationships what breath is to life.Virginia Satir

Her life

From a Wisconsin farm to the first family therapy training program in the world

Virginia Pagenkopf was born on June 26, 1916, the eldest of five children on a farm in Neillsville, Wisconsin. At five she announced she would grow up to be “a children’s detective on parents,” because, as she later said, “a lot went on in families that didn’t meet the eye.”

She taught school, earned a master’s in social work at the University of Chicago, and in 1951 sat down with her first family in therapy at a time when the field insisted on treating patients one at a time. Everything that followed grew from that decision.

Virginia Satir, portrait

In two national surveys of psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and marriage and family therapists, Satir was voted the most influential therapist of her time.

  1. Born in Neillsville, Wisconsin

    Eldest of five children. A severe childhood illness and a father who could not read left her with a lifelong curiosity about how families communicate.

  2. Graduates and begins teaching

    Earns a bachelor’s degree in education from Milwaukee State Teachers College and spends six years as a schoolteacher, visiting the homes of her students.

  3. Master of Social Work, University of Chicago

    Completes her thesis and enters private practice.

  4. Sees her first family

    Begins treating whole families together, a radical departure from the individual model of the day.

  5. Co-founds the Mental Research Institute

    With Don Jackson and others in Palo Alto, California. In 1962 an NIMH grant allows MRI to begin the first formal family therapy training program ever offered; Satir is its training director.

  6. Conjoint Family Therapy

    Her first book, grown from the MRI training manual, becomes a foundational text of the field.

  7. Founds the International Human Learning Resources Network

    First called “Beautiful People,” IHLRN gathers colleagues from around the world for week-long conferences that continue today.

  8. Peoplemaking

    Written for ordinary families rather than clinicians, it sells in the hundreds of thousands and is translated widely.

  9. Founds AVANTA

    “To move forward.” A network of those she had trained, dedicated to the evolution of her model. Renamed the Virginia Satir Global Network, it still carries her work.

  10. Launches PAIRS and writes its introduction

    Leads a public evening in Washington, D.C. to launch Lori Heyman Gordon’s PAIRS program and becomes its honorary founding chairperson.

  11. Launches PAIRS professional training

    Returns to Washington for a four-and-a-half-day training to inaugurate the PAIRS Foundation’s professional program and chairs its first board of directors.

  12. “She can fill any auditorium in the country”

    A colleague’s remark, quoted in Time, after her appearance at the Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference in Phoenix.

  13. International Council of Elders

    Selected for a society created by Nobel Peace Prize laureates, following years of peace work in the Soviet Union, Eastern Europe, Latin America and Asia.

  14. The New Peoplemaking; her death

    Revises her best-known book shortly before her death from pancreatic cancer on September 10, 1988, in Menlo Park, California, at the age of 72.

Her influence on marriage and family therapy

Ideas that changed how we understand families

Satir insisted that the problem is never the person. Symptoms are a family’s way of coping, and coping can be learned anew. Her humanistic, experiential approach gave the field a vocabulary that is now so familiar it is easy to forget who coined it.

01

The five communication stances

Under stress, Satir observed, people fall into four survival stances that sacrifice some part of themselves. The fifth, which she called leveling or congruence, aligns what we feel, think and say. Teaching congruence became the heart of her work, and of PAIRS.

  • PlacatingDiscounts the self to keep the peace
  • BlamingDiscounts the other to feel strong
  • Super-reasonableDiscounts feeling in favor of cold logic
  • IrrelevantDistracts from self, other and context
  • CongruentHonors self, other and context at once
02

Self-worth: “the pot”

Borrowing the image of the iron pot on her family’s farm, Satir taught that every person carries a reservoir of self-worth that can be filled or drained, and that high self-worth is the ground on which healthy relationships grow. She saw low self-esteem, not bad character, at the root of most family pain.

03

The family as a system

“The family is a microcosm. By knowing how to heal the family, I know how to heal the world.” Satir brought whole families into the room and showed that a change in one member changes everyone.

04

The Satir Change Model

Change moves through predictable stages, and the chaos in the middle is not failure but passage. The model is now taught far beyond therapy, in organizational development and software engineering.

  1. Late status quo
  2. Foreign element
  3. Chaos
  4. Transforming idea
  5. Practice and integration
  6. New status quo
05

The Five Freedoms

  1. To see and hear what is here, instead of what should be, was, or will be.
  2. To say what one feels and thinks, instead of what one should.
  3. To feel what one feels, instead of what one ought.
  4. To ask for what one wants, instead of always waiting for permission.
  5. To take risks on one’s own behalf, instead of choosing to be only “secure.”
06

Sculpting, parts parties and family reconstruction

Satir made the inner life visible. She asked families to pose their relationships as living sculptures, invited people to meet the “parts of self” they had disowned, and reconstructed three generations of family history in the room so that old wounds could be seen with adult eyes.

07

The Daily Temperature Reading

A simple daily ritual of appreciations, new information, puzzles, complaints with requests for change, and wishes, hopes and dreams. Satir created it; PAIRS adopted it as a cornerstone exercise and has shared it with hundreds of thousands of people worldwide.

08

Peace within, peace between, peace among

In her final decade Satir took her model to the Soviet Union, Eastern Europe, Israel, Latin America and Asia, convinced that the skills that heal a family could heal a world. Her networks still gather across five continents.

Painted illustration of an iceberg, a small peak above the waterline and a vast mass beneath

Satir’s Personal Iceberg: behavior is what shows above the waterline. Beneath it lie feelings, feelings about feelings, perceptions, expectations, yearnings, and the Self.

The Satir Model, 1991

Satir and PAIRS

Honorary founding chairperson, primary mentor, and the voice that launched a movement

In the 1960s, a young marriage and family therapist in northern Virginia named Lori Heyman Gordon confronted an uncomfortable truth: with all her training, she still could not explain why intimate relationships unraveled. Her search for answers led her to study intensively with Virginia Satir, who became, in Gordon’s words, her “lifelong inspiration and primary mentor.”

Where most of Satir’s students carried her work into the therapy room, Gordon carried it into the classroom. In 1975 she began teaching a semester-long graduate course at American University that wove Satir’s systems approach together with Daniel Casriel’s work on bonding and George Bach’s rituals for fair fighting. She called it PAIRS, the Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills. The Satir model runs through the entire curriculum, most visibly in its sections on communication, family systems, family rules, self-worth, and the parts of self.

Satir did more than inspire PAIRS. She put her name and her presence behind it. In 1983 she wrote the program’s introduction from Palo Alto and that September led a public evening in Washington, D.C. to launch it. In 1984, at the urging of Gordon and her husband, Rabbi Morris Gordon, she returned to Washington to lead a four-and-a-half-day training that inaugurated the PAIRS Foundation’s professional training program, and agreed to chair its first board of directors as honorary founding chairperson.

That same year she urged her fellow marriage and family therapists to turn toward relationship education: to teach people the skills of loving before their relationships failed rather than only treating them after. PAIRS was, in her judgment, the first comprehensive expression of that idea. Nearly every one of the videos on this site comes from the recordings she made for PAIRS in 1983 and 1984.

Satir’s introduction to PAIRS

Written in Palo Alto, California, 1983

As we moved into the 20th century, we arrived with a very clearly prescribed way that males and females in marriage were to behave with one another. The man was the undisputed head of and authority in the family; he was to provide for and protect his wife and children. The woman’s role was to obey her husband, take care of him, take charge of the house, bear and take care of the children and be responsible for setting the emotional tone in the family.

Read the full introduction

She was also responsible for the sexual fidelity of the home. In the marriage vows of the time, women pledged to love, honor and obey; men only had to love and cherish their wives. The pattern of the relationship between husband and wife was that of the dominant male and submissive female. Society of that day only gave recognition and status to those who married. Others, who did not marry, especially women, were considered misfits, objects of pity, and sometimes scorn. As a result, women scrambled to get married; to be respectable, a woman had to have a Mrs. in her name.

A new era has since dawned. This began when women attained the right to vote in 1920. That gave them control over their lives. Slowly, states began to liberalize divorce laws as well. There had always been divorce possible under the grounds of adultery, insanity, and desertion; now, they were being extended to neglect and abuse.

During World War II, much of the work formerly done by men was successfully done by women. This gave women a new sense of confidence. They learned they could be successful heads of families themselves. When the men returned from war, the climate of relationships had changed; women were no longer willing to be submissive.

The women’s rights movement emerged soon thereafter. The end of the dominant/submissive model in relationships was in sight. However, there was very little that had developed to replace the old pattern; couples floundered. New forms for the new values had not yet emerged, and the old ones were no longer acceptable.

The aim was to develop a new kind of equality, based on equal value of each person. Old role definitions were no longer appropriate, and chaos was setting in. Retrospectively, one could have expected that there would be a lot of chaos and a lot of fall-out. The change from the dominant/submissive model to one of equality is a monumental shift. We are learning how a relationship based on genuine feelings of equality can operate practically.

PAIRS is a splendid preparation toward enabling couples to develop new satisfying patterns of relationship based on high self-worth for each one. The program of PAIRS touches all the significant variables in the marital relationship. PAIRS emerged out of several hundred seminars with ordinary couples who wanted to reshape their patterns of relationship. PAIRS is the outcome of the experiences of those couples.

Virginia Satir, Palo Alto, 1983

PAIRS Foundation The history of PAIRS About Lori Heyman Gordon
We’re at a crossroads, an important crossroads of how we view people. That’s why it’s possible now for all the different kinds of therapies to go into education, education for being more fully human.Virginia Satir, 1984
Life is not what it’s supposed to be. It’s what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.Virginia Satir

Videos from the PAIRS archive

Satir, in her own voice

Fifteen recordings preserved by PAIRS Foundation, including the complete five-segment professional training Satir led to launch PAIRS in 1984. Each opens on the PAIRS YouTube channel.

Open the full playlist
1:28:49
Featured · 1983 launch

An Evening with Virginia Satir
1:10:40
PAIRS Training

Segment I
1:25:25
PAIRS Training

Segment II
1:35:54
PAIRS Training

Segment III
1:42:53
PAIRS Training

Segment IV
1:53:00
PAIRS Training

Segment V
1:33:09
Demonstration

Virginia Satir helps a couple identify “parts of self”
8:06
Short

Virginia Satir urges skills training to save marriage
11:16
Short

Closing meditation and reflection
6:09
Short

On “How to protect yourself”
3:55
Short

The story that haunts me
3:27
Three minutes with Satir

Two perspectives of “love”
3:08
Three minutes with Satir

Ways of relating that people call “love”
3:08
Short

On the essence of helping people
2:59
Short

Virginia Satir defines anger

All recordings are published by PAIRS Foundation on YouTube (@PAIRSUSA). Five full-length sessions of Satir working with real families are available as The Virginia Satir Series on Psychotherapy.net; the Satir Institute of the Pacific and the Virginia Satir Global Network, linked below, hold further archives.

Her books

Still in print, still assigned, still read at kitchen tables

Satir wrote for two audiences at once: the clinicians she trained and the families they served. Each title below links to Amazon.

All titles on Amazon
Cover of The New Peoplemaking

The New Peoplemaking

1988 · Science and Behavior Books

Revised in the last year of her life, this is Satir’s clearest statement of how families work: self-worth, communication, rules and the link to society. Lori Gordon named it among the handful of books that most shaped PAIRS. Her best-selling work, and the right place to begin.

Buy on Amazon
Cover of Peoplemaking

Peoplemaking

1972

The original, written in plain language for parents and partners. One of the three Satir books Gordon cited as a guide to the “puzzles of intimacy.”

Buy on Amazon
Cover of Conjoint Family Therapy

Conjoint Family Therapy

1964 · 3rd edition 1983

Her first book, grown from the MRI training manual. Still a standard text in family therapy programs.

Buy on Amazon
Cover of The Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond

The Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond

1991 · with Banmen, Gerber and Gomori

The fullest account of her method, completed by her closest colleagues after her death. Introduces the Personal Iceberg.

Buy on Amazon
Cover of Satir Step by Step

Satir Step by Step

1983 · with Michele Baldwin

An annotated transcript of a complete family session, with Satir explaining her choices moment by moment.

Buy on Amazon
Cover of Your Many Faces

Your Many Faces: The First Step to Being Loved

1978

A short, illustrated meditation on the many parts of self and the freedom that comes from accepting them.

Buy on Amazon
Cover of Making Contact

Making Contact

1976

Brief, warm and practical: how to meet another person, and yourself, with full attention.

Buy on Amazon
Cover of Self Esteem

Self Esteem

2001 edition

Her declaration “I Am Me” in gift-book form, with her reflections on self-worth.

Buy on Amazon
Cover of Helping Families to Change

Helping Families to Change

with Stachowiak and Taschman

Lectures and dialogues on the practice of family therapy.

Buy on Amazon
Cover of Changing with Families

Changing with Families

1976 · with Bandler and Grinder

Satir’s communication patterns analyzed by the founders of NLP, who modeled much of their early work on her.

Buy on Amazon

Cover images courtesy of Open Library. Prices and availability are set by Amazon and its sellers.

Gather

A living community, five continents wide

Satir believed networks mattered as much as ideas, and she founded two of them herself. Here is where her people still meet.

Annual conference · Save the dateNovember 15–20
2026

Living in the Spirit of Satir in a World of Uncertainty

The 2026 conference of the International Human Learning Resources Network, the gathering Virginia Satir founded in 1969 and whose week-long meetings have continued for more than fifty years. Five days of experiential workshops, shared stories and community in the quiet of the Sonoran Desert.

Host
International Human Learning Resources Network (IHLRN)
Where
Spirit in the Desert Retreat Center, 7415 E Elbow Bend Road, Carefree (Phoenix), Arizona
When
Sunday, November 15, 5:00 pm through Friday, November 20, noon
Details and registration at IHLRN.org

Networks Satir founded

International · Founded 1977 as AVANTA

Virginia Satir Global Network

Satir created AVANTA (“to move forward”) in 1977 as a forum for those she had trained to keep evolving her model. Renamed the Virginia Satir Global Network, it has members in more than twenty countries and affiliates on five continents. It offers weekly Zoom gatherings, an annual online conference, certification programs and a members’ video archive of Satir at work.

satirglobal.org International · Founded 1969

International Human Learning Resources Network

First called “Beautiful People,” IHLRN gathers Satir’s colleagues and their successors for a week-long conference every year. Associates join by attending.

ihlrn.org United States · Satir, honorary founding chair

PAIRS Foundation

The relationship-skills education program Satir launched in 1983. Classes for couples and individuals, professional training, and the archive of her PAIRS recordings.

pairs.com

United States

Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Satir Institute of the Southeast / Satir Systems

Founded by Jean McLendon, LCSW, LMFT, mentored by Satir for nearly twenty years and past president of the Satir Global Network. Therapy, Satir training programs and congruent-leadership work.

satirsystems.com Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Virginia M. Satir Center

Founded by Regina Ragan Taggart, LCSW. Intensives, leadership development groups and community-based Satir trainings; an affiliate of the Satir Global Network.

virginiasatircenter.com Chapel Hill, North Carolina

UNC Satir Program, School of Social Work

MSW-level courses in the Satir Growth Model and a one-week summer intensive for practitioners at the University of North Carolina.

ssw.unc.edu Online and nationwide

PAIRS Professional Training

Certification for counselors, clergy and educators in the program Satir launched, with Level II training devoted to the practical application of Satir’s and Casriel’s concepts.

pairstraining.com

Around the world

Affiliated institutes also serve Hong Kong, mainland China, the Czech Republic, Israel, Italy, Thailand, Turkey and the Yukon. See the Satir Global Network directory.

Langley, British Columbia, Canada

Satir Institute of the Pacific

Founded in 1998 with Dr. John Banmen as director of training. Satir Transformational Systemic Therapy certification, an annotated Satir bibliography, the Satir Journal archive and DVDs of Satir’s sessions.

satirpacific.org London, United Kingdom

The Virginia Satir Institute, London

Satir coaching and mentoring certification, intensives in the UK and Greece, and a free library of Satir videos, including her PAIRS training course.

virginiasatir.co.uk Melbourne, Australia

Satir Centre of Australia for the Family

An accredited clinical, educational and family therapy training affiliate of the Satir Global Network, led by Dr. Sandra Neil.

satiraustralia.com Taiwan

Satir Taiwan

Part of the extraordinary growth of Satir’s model across Taiwan, Hong Kong and mainland China, where her books and training programs reach tens of thousands.

satir.org.tw

Her declaration of self-esteem

“I Am Me”

Satir wrote this declaration in 1975 in answer to a fifteen-year-old girl who asked how she could prepare for a good life. It has since been read at weddings, graduations and funerals around the world, and it closes many PAIRS classes.

I am me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me.

Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it. I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.

I am me, and I am okay.

Virginia Satir, 1975. From Self Esteem (Celestial Arts).